never a good end
Nov. 13th, 2009 12:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
luna_rainbowI don't know what sort of ending to give Rossaer. I think whatever ending I give will be incredibly unfair to either Vivant or Rossaer or both.
I think after Vivant saves him, Rossaer is very clear about what he wants from life, and if he's not going to get it, he's not afraid to end it. He's not so much suicidal as...I think he just doesn't see that the life he leads after Vivant saves him as a continuation of who he was before. Maybe in some ways he sees it as borrowed time, with only one reason for its existence, and if that disappears then he doesn't want to hang around.
It's emerging that the two of them are precious to each other. Rossaer gives Vivant a place to be completely unfettered that even Hinkan can't give. The two of them sharpen their claws on each other but lean on each other's backs to fight the world. Rossaer's also very focused and very pragmatic. If he has a goal he will achieve it, regardless of moral ramifications, even if he has considered them. For someone disillusioned with the world, Rossaer turns out to be the very companion that Vivant needed.
But I think it would be incredibly unfair to leave Rossaer's story unfinished, and yet, I think if he dies it would be something Vivant would find it hard to get over, because he will always be searching for Rossaer, and I think whoever he finds - even if he finds Rossaer again - he'll be disappointed.
I can't seem to imagine it would work out in any way. I think Vivant would be really stricken by the vulnerability Rossaer reveals if Rossaer does drive himself to a death. Even now, Vivant is wary of people's infatuated gratitude, for kind acts he believes aren't worth all the emotional repayment. But I think the main thing Vivant will feel is guilt. In some ways Rossaer has probably convinced him that saving him was a selfish act on Vivant's part. However debatable that is, Vivant knows that out of everyone he has saved, Rossaer is the only one who has no other attachments to the world, whose only real bond was formed with Vivant.
If Rossaer dies on the battlefield I think it would be terrifying for a boy who's always been afraid of being alone, even if only Vivant has noticed it, and I think Vivant would wish that he hadn't sent Rossaer off to die by himself in a foreign land, giving his life and his happiness for people he didn't need to care about.
If Vivant finds Rossaer just before he dies on the battlefield I think Rossaer would wish that he could live the same way, even with all the horrors of the first fifteen years of his life, just to meet Vivant again. I think he would ask Vivant to look for him, because I think he is still afraid of going alone, and I think Vivant would not be able to rest until he finds Rossaer, but when he does, no matter what happens, Rossaer wouldn't be Rossaer any more.
If Rossaer survives the battle and finds Vivant after Vivant has died, I think he would do everything to latch on to Vivant, even if they both know that it's only going to hurt them both the longer they hold on. Vivant will tell him that he won't age and he doesn't want to watch his friends age and die, and Rossaer will ask that he spends just two more years with Vivant, and never again after that. I wonder if Vivant will agree to it, weakened by his own fears and loneliness and faced with a Rossaer who's laid bare his vulnerability. But if he agrees, he knows he will be too kind to Rossaer, and in the end, as the deadline nears, both of them will wish for it to go on a little longer...and perhaps a little longer more...and one day the bond will bear no more and will snap, cutting them both.
But I can't imagine Rossaer and Vivant being together for centuries, even if I can contrive something that lengthens Rossaer's life. I think they will get sick of each other very quickly, and I think Vivant will be fearful of what time will do to them both. Will they look back in a few decades and wish they hadn't continued like this, because the person they are now is not the person who was? Vivant would be afraid that time would sour even the sweetest things, and I wonder if he would think that one day he will wish Rossaer had died, because he would rather live with a bittersweet memory than a relationship that has soured beyond repair. I wonder if Rossaer will take the initiative and choose, and in that choice chain them both. I wonder if he will tie himself to Vivant, like he has done several times already, that his response to Vivant tying him down to life is to anchor himself to Vivant.
I think one half of Vivant would really want Rossaer to be there, for someone to be there. Yet on the other hand I think he wants Rossaer to be happy, because that's why he saved Rossaer in the first place, and he knows that immortality is not happiness, and that if Rossaer ties himself down by Vivant...Vivant wonders what will happen in a few century's time, when they eventually need to finish the quest. Ultimately they will need to part. Will the years give them solace in each other's company? Or will it merely deepen the apprehension of their end?
I don't know...I guess I just don't know what it feels like to live for that long. Maybe it will all turn out okay, because that much time in each other's company is enough, enough to be content and enough to overcome conflicts and enough to be unafraid, finally, to go on into peace.
(I have to say, thinking about Rossaer and Vivant has made me really sad ==; I want them both to have a happy ending, but I don't know how that's going to work.)
I think after Vivant saves him, Rossaer is very clear about what he wants from life, and if he's not going to get it, he's not afraid to end it. He's not so much suicidal as...I think he just doesn't see that the life he leads after Vivant saves him as a continuation of who he was before. Maybe in some ways he sees it as borrowed time, with only one reason for its existence, and if that disappears then he doesn't want to hang around.
It's emerging that the two of them are precious to each other. Rossaer gives Vivant a place to be completely unfettered that even Hinkan can't give. The two of them sharpen their claws on each other but lean on each other's backs to fight the world. Rossaer's also very focused and very pragmatic. If he has a goal he will achieve it, regardless of moral ramifications, even if he has considered them. For someone disillusioned with the world, Rossaer turns out to be the very companion that Vivant needed.
But I think it would be incredibly unfair to leave Rossaer's story unfinished, and yet, I think if he dies it would be something Vivant would find it hard to get over, because he will always be searching for Rossaer, and I think whoever he finds - even if he finds Rossaer again - he'll be disappointed.
I can't seem to imagine it would work out in any way. I think Vivant would be really stricken by the vulnerability Rossaer reveals if Rossaer does drive himself to a death. Even now, Vivant is wary of people's infatuated gratitude, for kind acts he believes aren't worth all the emotional repayment. But I think the main thing Vivant will feel is guilt. In some ways Rossaer has probably convinced him that saving him was a selfish act on Vivant's part. However debatable that is, Vivant knows that out of everyone he has saved, Rossaer is the only one who has no other attachments to the world, whose only real bond was formed with Vivant.
If Rossaer dies on the battlefield I think it would be terrifying for a boy who's always been afraid of being alone, even if only Vivant has noticed it, and I think Vivant would wish that he hadn't sent Rossaer off to die by himself in a foreign land, giving his life and his happiness for people he didn't need to care about.
If Vivant finds Rossaer just before he dies on the battlefield I think Rossaer would wish that he could live the same way, even with all the horrors of the first fifteen years of his life, just to meet Vivant again. I think he would ask Vivant to look for him, because I think he is still afraid of going alone, and I think Vivant would not be able to rest until he finds Rossaer, but when he does, no matter what happens, Rossaer wouldn't be Rossaer any more.
If Rossaer survives the battle and finds Vivant after Vivant has died, I think he would do everything to latch on to Vivant, even if they both know that it's only going to hurt them both the longer they hold on. Vivant will tell him that he won't age and he doesn't want to watch his friends age and die, and Rossaer will ask that he spends just two more years with Vivant, and never again after that. I wonder if Vivant will agree to it, weakened by his own fears and loneliness and faced with a Rossaer who's laid bare his vulnerability. But if he agrees, he knows he will be too kind to Rossaer, and in the end, as the deadline nears, both of them will wish for it to go on a little longer...and perhaps a little longer more...and one day the bond will bear no more and will snap, cutting them both.
But I can't imagine Rossaer and Vivant being together for centuries, even if I can contrive something that lengthens Rossaer's life. I think they will get sick of each other very quickly, and I think Vivant will be fearful of what time will do to them both. Will they look back in a few decades and wish they hadn't continued like this, because the person they are now is not the person who was? Vivant would be afraid that time would sour even the sweetest things, and I wonder if he would think that one day he will wish Rossaer had died, because he would rather live with a bittersweet memory than a relationship that has soured beyond repair. I wonder if Rossaer will take the initiative and choose, and in that choice chain them both. I wonder if he will tie himself to Vivant, like he has done several times already, that his response to Vivant tying him down to life is to anchor himself to Vivant.
I think one half of Vivant would really want Rossaer to be there, for someone to be there. Yet on the other hand I think he wants Rossaer to be happy, because that's why he saved Rossaer in the first place, and he knows that immortality is not happiness, and that if Rossaer ties himself down by Vivant...Vivant wonders what will happen in a few century's time, when they eventually need to finish the quest. Ultimately they will need to part. Will the years give them solace in each other's company? Or will it merely deepen the apprehension of their end?
I don't know...I guess I just don't know what it feels like to live for that long. Maybe it will all turn out okay, because that much time in each other's company is enough, enough to be content and enough to overcome conflicts and enough to be unafraid, finally, to go on into peace.
(I have to say, thinking about Rossaer and Vivant has made me really sad ==; I want them both to have a happy ending, but I don't know how that's going to work.)
